Happiness – Cortney Fries

The Trauma of Privilege: How Overprotective Parenting Hinders

Posted on March 10, 2016 by Cortney Fries

Published by Make It Better- February 2016

Privilege can be a curse, according to Harriet Rossetto, founder of nationally recognized Beit T’Shuvah, a faith-based recovery community in California with 140 beds and an $11 million budget. When Rossetto noticed exponential growth in Beit T’Shuvah’s young adult population, she coined the term “trauma of privilege” to describe the misattunement children experience when they feel pressure to fit into a model, imposed by society and parents, that doesn’t necessarily align with who they are.

While the term trauma can seem overdramatic, implying a serious and sometimes permanent injury, it is intended to describe a condition that can be changed. Rossetto’s goal is to help parents understand the effects of hyper-indulgent, overprotective parenting that fails to promote accountability or responsibility, and teach them how to turn this trend around.

“Parents fear their kids won’t be the best,” Rossetto says. “If their kid doesn’t get into the top college, or the even the best nursery school, they believe the child will be disadvantaged in life. That fear leads parents to do things for their kids that the kids should be doing for themselves.”

This sort of parenting causes children to have certain expectations and a sense of entitlement not tied to their own efforts, while also sending an unconscious message that children are not competent and cannot do anything for themselves. “It’s fear-based parenting, not love-based parenting,” Rossetto says. “If we don’t allow failure, we are threatening the balance. The sense of self you need to operate in the world gets built from trying and failing, accomplishing goals and facing problems.”

“Privilege is a tough word for me,” says Karen*, a Wilmette mother to Mark, whose life came crashing down six years ago. Growing up, Mark had attended private day school. Karen and Mark’s father divorced when Mark was 12 years old, but Karen says she was a very present mom. “Mark knew I would fight tooth-and-nail for him,” she says. “Looking back I realize, instead of letting him fight his own battles, I would intervene.”

Mark’s problems started innocently, betting a can of Coke over who could run the fastest. By college, his gambling escalated to horse races and casinos, until there was always a bet on something. “Later, Mark told me he felt like he didn’t matter unless he had money,” Karen says. “Through gambling, he could become a person of status.”

After graduation, Mark moved to Los Angeles with his girlfriend, and continued to live the high life. Until the day he called his mother to say he needed help.

“I thought he overdrew his bank account or racked up a high credit card bill,” Karen says. Instead, Mark had embezzled money from his employer. His wife left, all his friends dropped him and his employer pressed charges.

Beit T’Shuvah was Mark’s saving grace. He attended Gamblers Anonymous there before and after his eight-month stint in prison. “It was a tough love situation,” says Karen. “While there were things I didn’t agree with, I stopped fighting those battles.”

Today Mark is gambling-free, gainfully employed and paying back his debt. He’s also getting married this year. “The scar will always be there,” his mother says. “He’s a convicted felon. But maybe that’s what it took — to go down this road and meet these people. He’s acknowledged that he’s flawed and realized that it’s not all about money.”

Karen believed trauma and privilege were oxymorons. Now she understands that advantage has its downside. “The more we try to coddle our kids and provide a better life, we can go overboard,” she says. “Kids don’t learn to live life on their own terms. With no coping mechanism, they become very insecure with their mistakes.”

Doug Rosen’s parents dropped him off at Beit T’Shuvah as a spoiled, drug-addicted 27-year-old. Eleven years later, he is now the Director of Partners in Prevention at Beit T’Shuvah. Rosen believes the “Trauma of Privilege” stems from our innate, animalistic desire to survive. Those in the middle class no longer have to worry about securing a roof over their head. Instead, they fill that void by achieving — or overachieving. But determining what will provide the most material success and make you happy can be a daunting task.

Rosen gives speeches to middle schoolers who are worried about getting good grades. Kids believe their entire lifetime of happiness is tied to the grades they receive now. This can lead to perfectionism, anxiety and depression.

“We’re a quick-fix society,” says Rosen. “If you have a headache, take a pill. We don’t want to deal with any discomfort. Parents don’t want to see their kids struggle.” Rosen warns that if you give in to the temper tantrums of your 6-year-old, the tantrums only get uglier as the child grows.

He also advises that children should not enjoy all the comforts of success, like new cars and credit cards, at 16 years old. Young adults should have the opportunity to grow, and to actively participate in that growth and achievement. Even a graduate who gets a great job out of college probably won’t be able to keep up with the lifestyle they grew accustomed to when their parents were footing the bill.

Beth Fishman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with the Jewish Center for Addiction in Skokie, says privilege refers to having enough time and resources to focus strongly on your children. She believes it’s often a family disease system, where parents have been traumatized in the same way. “While trauma has a charge around it, it also has a positive element, meaning that it is eminently changeable,” Fishman says. “The fix is good, solid parenting practice.”

Children should earn their own money and pay for their own activities. There should be clear boundaries and family expectations for behavior. “When children mess up, as they will, they need to be held accountable,” says Fishman. “Children have to build their own sense of self-efficacy to know that they can be effective in their lives.” That doesn’t mean it should be without parental support. Parents can listen and help problem-solve, but doing everything for their children isn’t a good idea.

Unfortunately, habits and behaviors can become entrenched, especially in a community. It’s nearly impossible for one family to succeed at this on their own. We have to help each other. “A culture of judgment and lack of acceptance is very damaging to our children,” says Fishman. “While unintentionally teaching to judge others, we ultimately judge ourselves.”

Instead, Fishman recommends focusing on making the world a better place. Make an effort to expose your family to other cultures and connect with people whose lifestyles differ from your own. Try traveling, not as a tourist, but to gain one-on-one personal experience with people who are different from you. Or consider involving your child in a program like Seeds of Peace, which gives teenagers opportunities to dialogue with others across conflict lines and discover ways to work for positive change.

* Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the family’s privacy.

Is Stress Making You Sick? Fight It By Retraining Your Brain

Posted on February 7, 2016 by Cortney Fries

Published by Make It Better- December 2015

Nine days after losing his job at Stanford Medical School, Don Joseph Goewey was diagnosed with a brain tumor. With six weeks to wait before his surgery, Goewey spent his days consumed with worry.

Married with four kids, the family’s mortgage depended on his income. Goewey’s doctors warned he might never be able to work again, leading him to fear the worst. He imagined his family destitute, losing everything he had worked for. His fears consumed him for weeks, leading him to question what was worse — the debilitating stress or the possible outcomes of surgery.

Goewey recalled a simple process he had learned from Carl Rogers, PhD, the father of humanistic psychology. First, he became keenly aware of his fearful thoughts and what the perception of doom and gloom did to him. Second, he acknowledged the thoughts were inside him and not necessarily a result of the world around him. Third, he asked himself what his experience became when he didn’t believe he would be impoverished. The answer was that he calmed down. He relaxed, felt relieved, and eventually reached a point of peace.

Stress wreaks havoc on our minds and bodies.

Stress is often a result of what is happening inside us, as a result of our worries, fears and doubts, rather than what is happening to us. In “The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worrying from Stopping You,” Robert Leahy, PhD, cites a study in which subjects were asked to write down their frets and possible outcomes over a two-week period. Remarkably, 85 percent of the time, those fears never came to fruition. Even when outcomes were negative, people handled them better than predicted 79 percent of the time. We worry about terrible troubles that often don’t arise.

“Even if the tiger is only in our minds, or in the form of a demanding boss or toddler, our bodies still react as if we are fighting a real, live tiger,” says Diane Amstutz, PhD, psychologist at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago’s Center for Pain Management. Cortisol and adrenaline flood our systems to produce the natural fight or flight response. When we are in a continuous state of stress, it inhibits our ability to cope and creates a vicious cycle.

“Not only are there mental effects of stress, like depression, anxiety and bipolarity, but we are finding more and more physical effects are directly related, such as high blood pressure and increased incidence of diabetes,” says Dr. Anjali Bhagra, associate professor of medicine at Mayo Clinic College of Medicine, whose current research topics include stress reduction and healthy aging through optimism.

Financial and occupational woes are leading causes of stress, which often compounds and spreads to other areas of one’s life, significantly impacting physical health. A Princeton study found that financial stress can lower IQ by 40 percent, while a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology determined the more problems people experienced at work, the more they criticized their spouses at home. Researchers from the Harvard School of Public Health found that those who experienced outbursts of anger increased their risk of heart attack by five-fold and stroke by three-fold. Yale University found the inability to cope with stress can lead to poor outcomes post-heart attack. Mounting evidence points to the cumulative effects stress has on aging and countless medical conditions. So what can we do?

1. Retrain your brain for healthier function.

A popular analysis of London taxi drivers and bus drivers demonstrates that you can grow and change areas of your brain. By searching for directions and scouting new routes, taxi drivers increased the part of their brain that improves spatial memory and navigation skills. Bus drivers, who are confined to the same routes, did not experience the same benefit.

“95 percent of people I come across aren’t aware that we can change our brains,” Bhagra says. “We can make biological changes by how we pay attention.” Neuroplasticity, or brain plasticity, is the concept that describes the brain’s ability to mold and change throughout life. For example, new languages can be learned into adulthood and stroke patients can regain skills by forming new connections in the brain.

We can retrain our brains to respond to stress in more positive and productive ways. “Stress is not going to go away. It’s only going to get worse,” Bhagra says. “We need to spin it from a threat to an opportunity.” The challenge is to find ways to use your natural stress response for growth — as a friend rather than an enemy.

“We will have anger, resentment and envy,” says Bhagra. “But attention training teaches us not get stuck in that loop for too long.” Acknowledge what you are feeling, but then shift your body from overdrive to a more relaxed state, just as Goewey did.

Don Joseph Goewey

In fact, Goewey was able to maintain such a positive attitude despite his trying circumstances that the head of another department offered him a job. Goewey credits his mind-body connection with helping him to emerge from his brain surgery with an optimal outcome. That was 30 years ago. Today Goewey is the managing partner of ProAttitude, a human performance firm focused on combatting workplace woes, and the author of “The End of Stress: Four Steps to Rewiring Your Brain.”

“Stress is not something you should one day do something about,” says Goewey. “You need to attend to it everyday. It’s as important as if your doctor diagnosed you with a serious illness, because stress is the cause of serious illness.”

When you’re in the heat of the moment, it helps to think about whether the stressful situation will matter in five years. “If the answer is yes, then make it 10 years,” Bhagra says. Think about what you can learn from the situation instead of letting the stress of it dominate your thinking. “Stress is your assessment that this situation is overwhelming you. It is your fear that you won’t deal with it well,” Goewey says. “Save yourself at least the stress reaction. It can derail you by debilitating the higher brain function you need to solve the problem.”

2. Use micro-moments to make a big impact.

It is important to actively engage in stress release. “You know what stress feels like in your body,” says Amstutz. “Headaches, stomach pains, jitters? Stop what you’re doing and allow yourself a micro-bit of self care.” It doesn’t have to be a run at the gym or a day at the spa. Just a walk in the sunshine will do. Talk to a friend or colleague. Realize you don’t have to go it alone. Outside feedback can help you see your situation from a different perspective.

Try to include pleasurable activities in every day — even the busy ones. Do you love knitting or reading? “Some people might call these distractions,” says Amstutz. “But you’ll find you get much more done if you don’t push yourself until you drop. Take care of your needs and you’ll still have the same amount of time you would as if you spent the day worrying about your situation.”

“Every day commit yourself to a better mental state for a better quality of life,” Goewey recommends. The more time you spend practicing calming techniques and quieting stress, the better you get at it. “The prefrontal cortex is online more, stimulating growth of new nerve and brain cells, creating new networks. Your potential has expanded,” Goewey says. “It’s either expanding throughout your life or it’s shrinking, and that’s almost entirely based on how stressed you are.”

3. Employ positive reflection to get through difficult times.

“Sprinkle micro-meditative moments throughout your day,” Bhagra says. When you wake up, think of five things you are grateful for before you even get out of bed. It rewires your brain and resets the tone for the day to empowered and positive. Send a gratitude text or email to some one you know. Ritual is key to enabling this practice.

Practicing daily gratitude and maintaining positivity can be challenging when facing significant life struggles. “Being in a difficult situation, with sick parents, special needs children or facing divorce, is tough,” says Goewey. “But a negative attitude can make it 10 times harder.”

Amstutz, who coaches patients with disabilities, asks you to think about what you are saying to yourself about your situation. Is it encouraging and helpful or is it harmful? Focus on what is possible for you.

“Should is a very dangerous word,” she warns. “I often respond with who said you should?” Patients as young as 8 years old understand they can think differently. Realize you don’t have to like your situation, but you can handle it. “It’s very liberating when you understand you have some control,” Amstutz says.

Often we come out of trying times with higher meaning that we did not imagine before. We appreciate our health or everyday joys in a new way. “It’s important to remember that no difficult time is permanent,” Bhagra says. “And there’s always sunshine after rain.”

A woman whose mother was suffering from Alzheimer’s told Goewey she was stressed watching her mother decline, feeling like she couldn’t do anything to help. He responded that the one thing she could do was to make loving her mother the primary way of interacting with her. “If you’re beating yourself up feeling stressed because you have no control over the progress of an illness, you’ll wear yourself down,” Goewey says. “Love is an incredibly positive force. The only thing we completely control in any situation is our attitude.” Renowned psychiatrist Karl Menninger said, “Attitude is more important than facts.” Attitude determines how you experience facts.

“If you retrain your attention, you’ll have better brain volume, prevent yourself from developing dementia and live happier and healthier,” Bhagra says. Rewiring happens with ritual. Make small changes in your day and experience the lasting effects they can have over your lifetime.

The Most Common Chromosome Disorder You’ve Never Heard Of

Posted on November 5, 2015 by Cortney Fries

“The ultrasound technician was being very quiet and taking longer than normal,” recalls Ryan Garcia. He and wife, Lindsey, were awaiting the results of her 20-week ultrasound for their second child. “At first, the doctor thought our son had Tetralogy of Fallot, a heart defect common with certain genetic disorders.” The Garcias decided to have an amniocentesis for genetic testing. After three rounds of testing, their son, to be named Cohen, was diagnosed with 22q11.2 deletion syndrome.

After Down syndrome, 22q is the second most common chromosome disorder. It is caused by a small missing portion, or deletion, of the 22nd chromosome. While it is estimated that 1 in 2,000 to 4,000 children each year are born with 22q, the actual number of people who are diagnosed with the syndrome is less than that because the symptoms range from mild to severe and are associated with almost 200 health and development issues.

Before the discovery of the deletion, the disorder was known by several different names. DiGeorge syndrome was associated with severe heart defects, hypoparathyroidism and severe immune deficiency. A combination of milder heart defects, feeding issues, speech problems and cleft lip/palate was identified as VCFS (velocardio facial syndrome). Now, all symptoms are realized to fall under the 22q11.2 umbrella. The number of names associated with the symptoms only compounds the issue of diagnosing and managing healthcare for 22q.

“There are individuals with 22q who need 24-hour care, while there’s also a woman with 22q who has the same master’s degree I do,” says Bettsy Leech, genetic counselor and 22q/VCFS coordinator at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital and Medical Center. “If your child has birth defects, developmental delays and learning problems that are not going away, you should consider a genetic evaluation.”

An early diagnosis can save years of confusion and frustration. It provides parents and practitioners with a roadmap and warning signs, enabling symptoms to be caught while they are small. About 75 percent of 22q patients have a cardiac anomaly. Anxiety is the single most common symptom, with 98 percent reporting. Learning disabilities are common.

“Their whole lives are built on anxiety,” explains Leech. “It’s like listening to a foreign language tape for a region in India, then just getting dropped off there. You don’t know the culture. You’re bound to offend people. The anxiety builds and these children have less bandwidth to focus on learning.”

Scoliosis is another possible concern as children reach puberty, but Leech says less than 5 percent of the kids with 22q who she is familiar with have scoliosis. A bigger, and more frightening concern, she says, is the 25 percent risk for schizophrenia.

When the Garcias received their son’s diagnosis in August 2013, they immediately turned to the Internet for information. The Dempster Family Foundation, founded by former Cubs’ pitcher Ryan Dempster when his daughter, Riley, was diagnosed, was a wonderful resource. Focused on building awareness and supporting 22q families, the Dempster Family Foundation (DFF) pitches in to provide a leg up in managing children’s special education needs and developing a roadmap to success. The Dempster Family Foundation is planning to close, but The International 22q11.2 Foundation, Inc. provides similar resources for families.

No stranger to helping others, Ryan Garcia quickly realized he had a platform to build awareness for this seldom discussed syndrome. You may remember Garcia as the Chicago dad who pledged to perform 366 Acts of Kindness in 2012 after his daughter, Isla, was born.

“I wanted to make the world a better place for her and set a good example,” recalls Garcia. “For the final act of kindness, we were going to adopt a baby.” Those plans were delayed when the Garcias discovered they were pregnant. When Cohen was diagnosed with 22q, instead of worrying about every possible negative outcome, Garcia decided to evolve his efforts into State of Kind — he pledged to perform an act of kindness in every state, to raise awareness for 22q.

The first State of Kind endeavor was completed in October 2013, a month before Cohen was born. Garcia raised over $1,200 in gasoline gift cards to offset the travel expenses of an Indiana single mother of three special needs children, including one in a facility two hours from her home. To date, six acts of kindness have been completed, in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, Georgia, Vermont and Texas. State of Kind gifted lawn care and spa services to a mother of two young boys who was recovering from colorectal cancer after she lost her husband, father and father-in-law to other forms of cancer.Kyle Korver of the Atlanta Hawks donated great seats to a game and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., provided an autographed model of his NASCAR racecar to State of Kind recipients.

“It’s really bonded us as a family,” says Garcia. “Our mission is now to raise awareness.” Daughter Isla has been known to host drink stands and request donations to 22q in lieu of birthday presents.

22q is a common syndrome that is rarely diagnosed. Education allows those affected to be proactive. You can help put 22q on the public radar by sharing this article.

Winnetka Native Jess Godwin Rocks Local Music Scene

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Cortney Fries

Published by Make It Better- October 2015

After a 10-year hustle in the music and theater business, Winnetka native Jess Godwin realized, through service work, that she needed to be the person and artist she wants to be every day.

“I was so focused on appearances and being the best, I forgot what is most important,” Godwin says.

Godwin, 32, spent a year in Atlanta working with a studio, doing photoshoots and trying to get her image down. The tiny mole on her cheek, she was told, was going to be a huge problem. She would have to get it removed or filled in. “I thought, if this means I can sing for a career, I’ll do it,” says Godwin. Consequently, she found herself becoming increasingly vane and insecure.

“If I wasn’t showing skin, executives would ask if I had body issues,” she says. So she revealed more. She even did a sexy photoshoot with one hand on her lip for her sassy song “You’re the Lucky One.”

“It was what I thought people wanted me to be,” says Godwin. “I hated it. I was so embarrassed.”

Godwin took dance lessons in an attempt to be more interesting. She appeared on WGN, shaking her booty and screaming out of tune. Inside, she felt like a weak girl who didn’t know what she wanted. Soon, she found she couldn’t sing on stage without crying.

“Everything fell down around me,” says Godwin. “I didn’t find joy in music anymore.”

She stopped singing professionally and promoting shows and focused on things like playing tennis and painting. When she volunteered at Chicago-area shelters, hospitals and nursing homes, something clicked.

“Music can be such a positive thing if you use it for good,” Godwin says.

In a small room at the Lincoln Park Community Shelter, Godwin played a keyboard and sang Carole King covers and Stevie Wonder songs. People would listen, sing along and share their stories. It felt good for her to connect with others.

“It wasn’t going to advance my career,” Godwin says. “But it felt right. Art helps people feel better.”

Soon after her revelation at the shelter, Godwin began creating with abandon. Focusing on what she truly liked helped her recapture the joy of creating. She decided to develop an anthology — 12 stories, songs and service projects, each focused on people who made an impact in her life. She wrote, filmed and funded the entire project herself, with the help of many creative and kind friends. Experience Godwin’s passion, soulful style and striking voice for yourself here.

This month, Godwin will release “When the Snow Thaws,” a collaboration with 300 artists and friends. The song focuses on her nagging need to feel validated, which can hinder her from doing more in the world.

“At the end of the day,” Godwin says, “I realized we are all inherently special. So what are we doing today?” It is a call to action to change the world for the better.

Godwin continues to rise to that call. She will be a part of the Out in the Open Sleepout to fight youth homelessness on Nov. 20.

Godwin enjoys sharing the lessons she’s learned about the music industry with students. Budding artists enrolled in her songwriting workshop will not only receive instruction on pop music structure, but also guidance on career and character.

“I care about developing humans — not making stars,” she says. She tells students and parents: It’s not about big breaks, but building sustainable careers.

Despite some hard falls, Godwin’s star continues to rise. She performed in Northlight Theatre’s “Shining Lives” this past spring. Her original music was featured in seasons 4 and 5 of Lifetime’s “Dance Moms.” Watch this gorgeous video of Godwin’s “Fool Me Once” starring Chloe Lukasiak.

“If you try to make everyone around you happy, you will end up being miserable,” Godwin says. “Don’t let others tell you who you are.” Being true to herself, she no longer feels like she is trying to manipulate the world.

See Godwin perform her anthology live at the Athenaeum Theatre on Dec. 4. Enjoy a mix of songs and monologues accompanied by art and video projections. Attend the after-party with silent art auction after the show. Half the auction proceeds will benefit Chicago-area charities.

Incredible Kid: Ben Lehwald of ABC Family’s “Becoming Us”

Posted on June 7, 2015 by Cortney Fries

Ben Lehwald of Evanston is the 17-year-old star of ABC Family’s “Becoming Us.”

The unscripted docu-series chronicles Lehwald’s life as his parents not only divorce, but his father,Charlie, transitions to a woman, Carly.

Lehwald and his mother, Suzy Crawford, came up with the idea for the show to open eyes and some doors for kids with transgender parents. “If this shows helps one teenager,” Lehwald says, “then hopefully he’ll help someone else.”

Though the show was filmed over the course of three month last fall, the family changes began unfolding four years ago, when Lehwald was in eighth grade. The news didn’t come as a total surprise to Lehwald, who says his dad had started painting his nails and shaving his legs in the months prior. While the news came at a difficult time—Lehwald had been dealing with bullying in school for reasons unrelated to Carly—he says his friends and peers have been accepting, which helps. He also learned to lean on art as an emotional outlet.

If Lehwald was feeling abandoned, he would photograph an abandoned lot. If he was mad, he would edit a photo to show his anger. His Instagram account, @abstractive—which features pictures taken around Evanston, Chicago and on his travels—boasts thousands of followers.

“I want kids to be OK with feeling how they feel,” Lehwald says. While he is accepting of Carly’s transition and is happy that she can be the person she wants to be, he stresses the importance of kids coming to terms with their emotions. “If you’re upset with something your parent is doing, tell them,” he says. “Just do it in a polite way. If you don’t talk about your problems the situation won’t improve.”

More than anything, Lehwald hopes to spread a message of love and acceptance: Do what you want to do. Be what you want to be. Feel what you want to feel. “We’re all just trying to figure out who we are.”

“Becoming Us” Premiers on ABC Family June 8 at 8 p.m. CT.

Special Needs Tweens: How to Ease the Transition to Middle School

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Cortney Fries

Written for Chicago Special Parent- March 2015

The tween years are a time of increased independence, body changes, social pressures and additional responsibility, yet they are also a wonderful time for children to be industrious and show their true potential.

For tweens with special needs, middle school can be difficult, warns Ellen Sternweiler, owner of The Sensory Kids Store in Wilmette and mom to three children with developmental difficulties.

“But you’ve got this. You’ve made it this far. You’re going to make it,” she says.

Sternweiler assembled a panel of special needs parents and Educational Therapist Richard Bograd for the 2015 Neighborhood Parents Network Developmental Differences Resource Fair to discuss the changing demands of middle school.

Transitioning to middle school can be scary and confusing; but with your continued support, kids can more easily overcome this next big hurdle.

They offered these tips to set your child up for success:

1 Continue to communicate with teachers.

Even though parents are encouraged to be more hands-off in middle school, you know your child’s unique challenges.

2 Go after what your kid needs.

For example, if no reference materials are provided in class but your child needs them to succeed, ask for them.

3 Reassess your child’s IEP.

The therapeutic gap may have widened due to complex curriculum or increased demand for executive functioning skills.

4 Help your child thrive during unstructured times.

Coach them on breaking into lunchroom conversations. Aid them in developing social circles. Friends are a necessary respite from the stress of the day.

5 Talk about their changing bodies.

Kids will notice if they are early or late in development. Have explicit, open, honest conversations.

6 Maintain healthy eating and sleeping routines.

Your child is older, but facing many challenges. Keep a 9 p.m. bedtime.

7 Celebrate successes.

While it may be difficult to watch your child come in last, realize that he may have improved his performance or played his personal best.

8 Teach and encourage your child to text message friends.

Cellphones are a major mode of communication in middle school.

9 Limit screen time during the week.

On weekends, allow one hour as soon as kids wake up. They get what they want right away; parents get more sleep.

Time Out for Better Time In

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Cortney Fries

My story, Time Out for Better Time In, will appear in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Time to Thrive.

This collection of true stories about making and taking the time to create balance and increase joy will be available May 5, 2015. I am thrilled my story was selected from thousands to be included in the book. It is a delight to be a Chicken Soup for the Soul author and part of an organization that inspires so many. To learn more or to pre-order, click here.

No Kid Talk: 4 Ways to Have an Adults-Only Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 11, 2015 by Cortney Fries

Written for Chicago Parent magazine- February 2014

Busy parents need to follow three simple (or not-so-simple, depending on how you look at it) rules when it comes to recreating the magic of those early days when they fell in love, says April Masini, relationship expert, author and founder of AskApril.com:

1. Don’t talk shop. Leave all talk of the kids behind when you get together time. Just speak of each other.

2. Preen. It may feel cheesy and unnecessary, but it’s not. Buy a fun outfit. Do your hair.

3. Make plans in advance. Show you care by putting some thought into what your partner would like.

Here are four out-of-the-box ideas to help get you following Masini’s advice.

1. Enjoy an unforgettable meal at home

Lobster Gram

(800) 548-3562

Live lobsters, shrimp, steaks, appetizers, desserts and more can be delivered right to your door for an awesome evening in. Flown in fresh from Maine, they arrive with all the fixings so you don’t have to worry about a thing.

My husband and I feasted on the delicious Lobster Gram. Just like at our favorite steakhouses, the filets were thick and juicy. Even Restaurant Impossible Chef Robert Irvine would approve of the crab cakes. And for just heating and eating, the clam chowder and chocolate lava cake were exceptional.

Order online for home delivery or pick up at Lobster Gram’s Chicago warehouse for up to 65 percent off catalog prices, 4664 N. Lowell Ave, Chicago, (773) 777-4123.

After dinner, order in a movie for snuggling or plan a relaxing tub soak together.

2. See your spouse a whole new way

King Spa & Sauna

809 Civic Center Drive, Niles

If you find you are parents in need of peaceful quality time, the Korean-inspired King Spa is the spot. With nine saunas, a movie theater with recliners, and casual but delicious food, it’s a great place to reconnect.

You’ll immediately feel transported to an exotic destination because guests enjoy the luxurious male-only and female-only pools in the nude. Either skip it and move into the main unisex area or embrace a new level of comfort with your body.

Massages, scrubs, facials and foot rubs are offered. The acupressure massage, Seasoned Salad with Nuts, and fresh mango smoothies are my favorites. Unusual options, like infrared baths and patbingsu shaved ice dessert, allow for adventurous experiences.

Open around the clock, no appointments are required. Matt and Alena Ford, who enjoy regular date nights at King Spa, say it is a healthy place to relax and discuss anything (just not the kids).

3. Get your engines revving

Gotham Dream Cars

(877) 246-8426

Nothing is sexier than seeing my husband’s adrenaline pumping behind the wheel of a yellow Lamborghini. Make the fantasy of driving an exotic sports car a reality with Gotham Dream Cars.

In the warmer months, Gotham brings their Dream Car Sprints to Chicago. Specially designed autocross courses allow you to hit the gas, twist, turn and feel the thrill of driving amazing machines.

Use discount code “Chicago Parent” to lower the price from $250 to $125 and prepare to get your hearts racing (and keep them racing long after the car’s engine is cold).

4. Seek out some serenity

Serenity Springs

S5888 U.S. 35, LaPorte, Ind.

(219) 861-0000

If you can secure a sleepover for the kids, Serenity Springs is the perfect adults-only getaway. A 90-minute drive from Chicago, this romantic retreat is situated on 85 privately owned wooded acres. Horse-drawn carriages whisk you to your cozy cabin with fireplaces and sunken whirlpool tubs for two. What you do there is up to you. Just remember rule #1.

Just Say Yes!

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Cortney Fries

Written for Chicago Parent magazine- January 2015

LIz and Eric DeChant play with their kids, Autumn and Joe, at the renovated playground near their home. Photo by Heather Mikulskis Photography

It’s a new year. A fresh opportunity to be more open and optimistic. In a time when experts are challenging parents to say no more often to overcommitment, why not try something new or finally say yes to an activity that’s been calling you or your kids?

These four Chicago families did and it helped them see the world in a whole new way.

Yes to: renovating a playground
Liz DeChant
Why did you say yes to leading a playground renovation?
I was working full-time when I felt a calling to stay home with the kids. Four days after my “retirement,” I got an email from the Chicago Park District saying Chicago Plays! applications for park improvements were due in 14 days. It was serendipity.
We live across the street from the park, in the house my husband grew up in. We knew it needed updates and my passion and interests are in community improvement.

How did it impact your family and the community?
My husband and I both had to say yes to the sacrifice. It was a busy few months of grant writing, gathering signatures and aligning key stakeholders. Our 11-year-old son helped with documentation. He video-recorded problem areas at the park and brainstormed new equipment with friends. He felt empowered and good about what we were doing.

Our daughter was the first one down the new slide. It was satisfying to see parents encounter the renovated park for the first time.

Now that we have the ball rolling with an organized committee, I’d like to broaden our impact and introduce more programs. Everybody benefits when we work together.

Yes to: Flying

Lara Krupicka and daughter Katherine, 13

Why did you say yes to flying?

Friends talked about the EEA Young Eagles Program, which offers free flights in small planes for kids 8-17. Years ago I worked for a man who owned a Cessna Skyhawk. If it was a nice day, we would take off early and fly. I told my three girls it was really cool and that they should try it. Being the author of Family Bucket Lists, I try to live a bucket list life. Our daughters are learning the idea of being adventurous. They perked up when friends mentioned flying so I knew we needed to make it a goal.

How has flying impacted Katherine?

She used to be a very cautious child. It’s such a big world. I told her she needed to break out. To get on a plane with no shelter, that’s adventure. She loves it so much, she makes sure we go each month. She’s researched aviation and done online training. She wants to get her pilot’s license and deliver missionary supplies to remote areas.

What advice do you have for families seeking new experiences?

Prioritize the things that bring you together versus pull you apart.

Moms also need not forget about themselves.

Say yes to a dream and model it for your kids. You can tell children to embrace opportunities, but when they see you doing it, that’s when it sticks. Maybe try a parent-child adventure.

McKenna Szorc, 9, Zach Ren, 18, and Richie Szorc Jr., 11

Yes to: Hosting a Chinese exchange student

Mary Beth Szorc and exchange student Zach, 18

Why did you say yes to hosting an exchange student?

I wanted to grow the family but medically could not carry another child. I give manicures to the woman in charge of hand-selecting Chinese exchange students for DePaul College Prep. She mentioned they have a hard time finding host families. I said I would be interested. That was August 2013. We never said another word about it. On January 5, 2014, I got an email saying there were six students coming, would it be OK if we took a boy named Zach? He was here three days later. My heart just melted as soon as he walked in, his smile is so contagious.

What have you learned from this experience?

We’ve learned how completely different the Chinese culture is from ours. They don’t express emotion as much. I want Zach to know that here we laugh, cry and hug. It teaches my kids that it’s not just us. There’s more to do, more to give.

Yes to: Modeling and acting

Amy Williams* and son Aidan, 6 (*mom requested last name changed)

Why did you say yes to Aidan modeling and acting?

My friend, who used to be in the industry, asked if we’d ever considered it. When Aidan was 4, they needed kids his age for a commercial shoot. He got an audition. He didn’t get the part, which wasn’t surprising, but the producer said he did great. It really sparked his interest. He kept bugging me, “When do I get to do another audition?” I figured why not? In the past six months, Aidan has modeled for clothing and education companies, acted in a theater production and filmed two commercials. It’s playing pretend and he loves it.

How has it affected Aidan?

He’s always been a shy and reserved kid, so I didn’t ever think he would thrive in this business. But his confidence has really gone up. That’s been fun to watch. At school he’s more apt to communicate with teachers, where before he would keep his struggles inside, get frustrated or break down. He’s finding himself.

Gratitude For Grandparents: What You Need to Do Before it’s Too Late

Posted on September 21, 2014 by Cortney Fries

Written for Chicago Parent magazine- September 2014

“I want to thank you for always being there for me, listening without judging and supporting me through more than you ever had to,” I read to my grandma. “You changed my life with the time and energy you invested in me.”

Our arms were wrapped around each other and tears were in our eyes. I was reading her a gratitude letter, detailing exactly why I was thankful for the precious gift she has been in my life. While I have told Gram that I love her and have given her countless sentimental cards, I wanted her to know exactly what she had done to make such a huge impact on me.

Continue reading “Gratitude For Grandparents: What You Need to Do Before it’s Too Late” →